


My love for you is infinite

by sasakiahr



Category: American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Asexual Marquis de Lafayette, Complicated Relationships, Control Issues, Drama & Romance, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Gender Issues, Historical Inaccuracy, Identity Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Secret Relationship, Triggers, Trust Issues, all characters are mixed up like some are poc some are white etc, but it's okay since it's fanfiction, figure skating, lafayette is fucking beautiful, laurens is younger, modernised a bit, this fic is kinda weird, washington is an ass at first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:19:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8626021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasakiahr/pseuds/sasakiahr
Summary: Lafayette is in love with Washington.Washington is in question about his love for Lafayette.Hamilton just wants them to be happy.





	1. My Shot

Lafayette silently cries in the corner. He had just come home from Washington’s house across town and he felt a pang of need and want when he saw him and Martha, happy.

-

“Oh I do very much love Martha. She’s there when I need her and she cares for me as I do.” Martha smiles and grabs her lover’s hand, “He’s my life and I never want to lose him.”

“That’s good to hear,” Marquis shifts awkwardly in his seat and stares at the window, “It’s getting pretty late. I need to go before the moon rises and I get kidnapped.” George and Martha laugh a bit before bidding Lafayette good night.

“Good evening, my friend,” George says. Friend. “Bonsoir, mon ami et ma dame,” Lafayette turns and walks briskly, repeating that wretched word in his mind.

_Friend._

_Friend._

_Friend._

_Friend._

_Friend._

-

“Ami. That’s all I am to him. A fucking friend.” He bitterly spits as he pulls at his hair.

He collapses to the floor in loud sobs, hitting his head on the corner of the bedside table.

“Je t’aime, mon amour.” He whispers quietly before passing out.

-

The next morning, Thomas finds him on the floor and kneels beside him, shaking him awake. “Gilbert! Gilbert wake up!”

Lafayette slowly opens his eyes and stares up at his brother, “Bonjour. Thomas.”

“Are you okay?”

“J’suis bien. Don’t worry.”

“Are you sure? Your face is salty.”

“Oui, I’m sure. These are just some midnight tears, y’know.”

“Was it about Washington?” Lafayette nods, closing his eyes.

Thomas wraps his arms around him, cradling him like a baby. “Oh, Marie-Joseph..” He mutters as he kisses the top of his head. “He can’t see that I love him! I love him so goddamn much and he doesn’t see! I hate love!”

“No, don’t say that. He can’t see it right now but I know that he loves you.”

“Non!” Lafayette screams, scrambling out of Jefferson’s arms, “Il ne m'aime pas! Il ne m'aime pas!”

“Calm down!” Jefferson jumps up and grabs his brother’s hand. “It hurts, Thomas. It hurts so fucking much to see the one you love and adore love someone else!” Jefferson looks at his adoptive brother, he felt strong pity looking at him in such distress.

He wanted him to be happy. “Il ne m’aime pas, Thomas..”

“He does! He does love you!”

“He called me his friend! I don’t think so!”

“Gilbert-”

“Don’t you dare-”

“Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette! Listen to me!” Lafayette shuts up and looks at his brother, with doe like eyes. Jefferson places his hands on his shoulders and looks at him right in the eyes, “If he didn’t love you, he would’ve already had kids with Martha.”

“Thomas, he doesn’t love me. I can sense it. I give up. He doesn’t and will never love me and that’s final." He rubs his face to remove the crusty places and ties his hair hurriedly.

“But-”

“Did I stutter?” Lafayette grabs his coat, “Now, I must go to Alex’s house for some tea. Take care.”


	2. Mon Général

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst

-

“I don’t want to talk about him, Alexander.” 

Alex raises an eyebrow, “Why not?”  

“I just don’t. Do not ask again, please, or I will dump my tea all over you.” 

Alexander rolls his eyes at Lafayette’s attempt to be menacing, “Fine.” 

Lafayette sighs until he hears a loud knock on the door. 

“Oh do come in!” Alexander shouts. Lafayette sits up and his eyes widen. Speak of the Devil. 

“Good morning, Alexander, Gilbert.” 

“Good morning, sir.” Alexander greets and gestures next to him, “Take a seat, if you please.” 

Washington nods, “You are too kind,” He says as he sits next to Alex. He glances at Lafayette, who stares directly at the wall, not making eye contact, “Hello, Gilbert.” 

“Bonjour,” The Frenchman says bitterly, but quietly. He didn’t want the general to note his tone, let alone at his vulnerable state. He sets his teacup down and continues to stare at the wall, noting that Alexander and Washington were looking at him in concern. 

Friend. 

The word finds its way back to Lafayette’s mind and he closes his eyes at the sudden pain in his heart. He swallows thickly and blinks back the tears trying to escape his eyes. 

“Douleur..” He mutters and opens his eyes, “La douleur est ce que je ressens.” 

Washington and Hamilton look at him in confusion. 

Lafayette shakes his head and wipes his eyes, “Ignore me, it was just a little trance that I went into.” 

“I understand, my friend.” Washington says before lifting the cup to his lips. 

“Niquer ma vie,” Lafayette stands up and walks to the window. 

“I’m planning on proposing to Martha this weekend,” Washington tells Alexander. 

“That’s great! I do really hope she says yes!“

“Oui, mon ami, I hope she accepts. You deserve it.” He turns around and smiles at him, knowing that it masked his pain. 

“Thank you two, you’re amazing friends.” 

Lafayette cried that night. 

-

One week after Washington told Lafayette and Hamilton the news, another one is told to them. 

All of Washington’s closest people gather around a table and he stands up, beaming brightly, “Gentlemen, I am proud to announce that Martha and I will be getting married.” 

All men jump up from their seats and cheer for the General, hugging him and giving him slaps to the back. 

“We must celebrate!” 

“Oh we must! With some wine!” 

Lafayette watches sadly as they pop open a wine bottle and serve a glass full for everyone. Laurens slides a glass to Lafayette, who shakes his head, “I’m not feeling it.” He says dully and watches Laurens’ face turn to one of confusion before stalking off. 

“Pourquoi moi?” He asks himself quietly, rubbing his forehead. 

“"Est-ce que tout va bien?" Alexander asks, looking at Lafayette with concern. 

“"Oui, ça va,” Lafayette closes his eyes and feels a single tear slide down his face. 

“You’re not okay,” Alexander grabs Lafayette’s arm and pulls him up, “Tell me what’s wrong. Please.” 

Lafayette shakes and let’s out a shaky sigh, “I l-love h-im-m.” 

“Love who?” 

“M-mon General.” 

Alexander lets out a small gasp and hugs the broken Frenchman, “I’m so sorry, Gilbert.” 

“Is there something wrong?” Washington’s worried voice echoes throughout the room. Alexander turns and looks at him, glancing back at the shaking Lafayette in his arms. 

“Sir-” 

“Washington,” Lafayette’s muffled voice calls out, “Do you know how much you have broken me?” 

The General shakes his head, “No.” 

“Countless times, you’ve left me shattered. Heartbroken. Do you want to know why?”

“Why?” 

Lafayette gets out of Alexander’s arms and glares, “Because of your fucking fiancée! She has ruined my life from the very day I greeted her! I despise her! She has stolen you away from me!” 

“I was never yours-” 

“I love you, George! Can’t you see? I love you so fucking much yet you leave me with a broken heart!”

“But I don’t love you-” 

“I know!” Lafayette screams, tears pouring down his face as he grabs his pin, “I fucking know and it is hurting me knowing that I will need to deal with that so I am resigning!” He rips his pin off and slams it to the ground, “Goodbye, Monsieur Washington. Good day, Alexander.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more angst than the forest fic
> 
> jk


	3. Oops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lafayette is pissed but that is resolved.

“Il ne m'aime pas,” Lafayette mutters as he lays on his bed, staring into the darkness. Was Martha simply attractive unlike him? Was he too simple? He sighs and turns to his side, looking at the black ribbon used to tie his hair.

The same ribbon Washington gave him on his first day.

He grabs it with his delicate hands and throws it into the darkness with rage.

“Baise-le,” He whispers into the darkness.

-

“You’ve hurt him, General.”

“Of course I did, Alexander.”

“Sir, here he comes.” Washington looks up and sure enough, Lafayette walks briskly past them, grabbing both sides of his coat and with cold eyes. His hair styled differently and, as Washington notices, with a different ribbon. A gold one to be exact.

“Sir, he doesn’t have the black ribbon on. What does that mean?” Washington continues to stare at the passing man, “I don’t know, my son. But he clearly abhors me.”

“Of course he would, your excellency, you have damaged him, after all.”

“You’re not helping my mood, Alexander,” The General bitterly spits, continuing to stare at Lafayette, “Oh hold on, he has the black ribbon - what is he doing with it?!” He watches as Lafayette throws the ribbon into a nearby fire, sparking sadness and regret in Washington’s eyes. The frenchman walks past by them again, giggling whilst mumbling quietly. “Fucking bastard ruined my life.”

Alexander slaps his hand over his mouth in shock at Lafayette’s words. Lafayette hears the slap and turns around, smirking, “Oui, Alexander?”

“Nothing!”

“Non, non, Alexander. I know you understood what I said.”

“Well,” Alexander smiles sheepishly, “I did.”

“Can you tell the man next to you that I despise him for breaking me and that his fiancée is a fucking bitch?"

“Oh shit!” Alexander cries out, eyes wide. Lafayette smugly looks at both men before walking off.

-

“Hello, gentlemen,” The Marquis greets Laurens, Hamilton, and Burr. “Hello, Gilbert,” Burr says and shakes his hand, “Comment allez-vous?”

“I'm good, thanks.”

“That’s good to hear, considering what happened.”

“Oh?”

“We heard what had happened and we want to give you some information.” Lafayette sits up and looks at them, “Do go on.” “Washington has cancelled the wedding and he has separated himself from Martha and is now considering his attraction to males. More specifically, you.” He raises an eyebrow, “Wow.”

Alexander clears his throat, “So he has been going around, moping about how much he misses you and your ‘face, eyes, and personality.’” Laurens nods and hands him a note, “Here is a letter that he wrote to Burr explaining his dilemma.” Lafayette looks down at the note:

_Dear Aaron,_

_I_ _have separated from Martha and asked her to leave my home. She agreed and asked why. I couldn’t come up with a reason why and I shook my head silently, pointing out the door. I ask myself now, why? She was perfect for me, she loved me. Though, I didn’t love her back. I cared for her, but I didn’t feel passion. I realised that I like surrounding myself with men and that women are too, how do you say, squishy. I thought that night and I have come to the conclusion that I like men. Men with the perfect jawline, eyes, hair, personality, build, etcetera. Especially men with silky soft white hair, shiny doe eyes, sharp jawline, perfect complexion, and the cutest nose. Men like Marie-Joseph. I love him, Aaron. I have made a mistake. I need him. He is the one I truly love and adore, even though he will never love me ever again. I want to hold him and say, “Je t’adore, Marie.” I ruined the chance._

_From, General George Washington_

“Je t’aime, mon général,” Lafayette whispers, holding the letter tightly, not wanting to let it go.

“Gilbert, you have to talk with him,” “I know, John, I know,” Lafayette sighs and folds the letter, storing it in his pocket.

He pulls out a piece of parchment and a small quill, already full of ink and writes a little note.

_Mon Général,_

_Please meet me by the stables when the moon rises._

_From, Marquis de Lafayette._

He gently lets go of the quill and passes the note to Alex, “Give this to him, please.”


	4. I don't hate you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> laf n George hook up but lmao that doesn't last long

-

Lafayette leans against the stables, his hair perfectly done. He makes sure the gold ribbon was visible and sighs, fixing his hat and coat. 

Suddenly, Washington appears and looks at the breathtaking beauty of Lafayette.   
“Marie..” 

Lafayette turns and looks at the handsome figure in front of him, “Mon Général..” He slowly walks towards him, taking his time. He suddenly decides that he has waited long enough and runs to Washington, wrapping his arms around him and crashing their lips together. 

Washington melts into the kiss and cups Lafayette’s perfect face, deepening it. 

They end the kiss when the need for air is present and Washington runs his thumbs over Lafayette’s pale, pink cheeks. He looks at the plump, red lips that are letting out little puffs of air. He stares into those beautiful, mocha eyes and captures his lips in another, but quick kiss. 

Washington chuckles, grabbing Lafayette’s hand and kissing it, “Let’s go to my home so you can get out of this terribly cold weather.” 

He gently pulls Lafayette along with him to his large home, unlocking the door and letting him inside. 

“Do take off your coat, love.” He leaves the hall. 

He gracefully takes off his coat and hangs it on the coat hanger, along with his hat. 

He twirls around, his braid going over his shoulder, exposing the golden ribbon. He looks around the mansion with awe. Since he had only seen it at night, he didn’t know that it was massive. 

He looks at the chandelier above him, the glossy table next to him, the giant faux leather sofa, and the details on the walls. Each inch was imbedded with a different flower or swirl design. 

“You are so adorable,” 

“I know.” 

-

(weeks later)  
Lafayette rushes down to the meeting cabin, skidding to a halt at the entrance. 

“Boy where have you been?” Mulligan asks as he peeks out the doorway. Lafayette rolls his eyes, “My home, obviously. I take so long to get dressed it’s ridiculous.” 

“Of course you do, that pretty face of yours can’t go around in horrible clothes.” Lafayette crosses his arms over his chest, “‘Pretty face’?”

Mulligan laughs, “I didn’t mean it like that kid, I’m not into guys.” He walks out of the cabin and looks at Lafayette with a grin, “So you’re gonna come in or do I have to lock you out?” Lafayette shakes his head and steps in. He sees the chaos inside and regrets his choice to go in.  

“Can we please calm down?”

“Do I get any say in this?!” 

“Sit your ass DOWN George!” 

“Calm down, John!” 

Burr grabs John’s shoulders in an attempt to sit him down but fails as John breaks out of his grip. 

“Let..us..joke..around..with..the..remaining..soldiers.”

Washington sighs, “Why not?”

John squeals with joy and smacks Burr's head. 

Deciding he has seen enough, Lafayette opens the door to leave just as Washington grabs his wrist, dragging him back. 

“Come with me,” 

He leads him to a secluded room, in the back of the cabin. He locks the door and looks at Lafayette with sad eyes, “I’m so sorry Marie, but,” He runs a hand through his hair, “I have to separate from you.” He inwardly cringed, that came out extremely blunt. 

“Oh.” 

“I’m sorry-” 

“No, no. I get it.” 

“Do you?” 

Lafayette nods once, jaw clenching and unclenching as he watches Washington grab his coat, “Actually, why?” 

Washington freezes and looks at the wall, “What do you mean?” He asks quietly. 

Lafayette rolls his eyes and leans over to Washington, breathing onto his neck, “Why are you separating from me?” He whispers into his ear, making Washington shiver and close his eyes. 

“I- I..” 

“Do you even know why?” He continues to whisper in his ear, making Washington shiver more. Washington actually didn't have a valid reason. He was in a drunken state when he wrote that letter and was now sexually confused. 

Sensing his defeat, Lafayette grabs his coat, putting it on himself, “I think I’ll keep this,” He grins and opens the door, “Oh and one last thing,” He leans over again and whispers, “I don’t hate you.” 

He giggles loudly before walking out of the room and into the main hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see


	5. Twist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you'll hate me or love me after this.

-

Hamilton smacks Washington twice before asking, “Did that hurt?” He wanted to unleash his rage on him, but decided against that since he might get fired or even killed. Instead, he shoved Washington into a chair, pulled up a chair himself, and plopped down. He looked at the General in the eye and that was when he slapped him. 

The General tenderly touches his cheek and winces, Alexander smiles to himself, so he does hit hard. Washington rubs his cheek, “Damn, that hurt.”  

“I bet that’s how Gilbert feels like right now, General.” 

“I just didn’t want to hurt him more, son.” 

Alexander rolls his eyes, “He was happy with you, head over heels in love with you. You think you were hurting him? You weren’t, until now.” He calls over Laurens, “John, please come here, quickly.” 

John speed walks into the room and stands next to Alexander, “Yes, Alex?” 

Hamilton grabs his hand tenderly and tells him, “Go check on Gilbert, please, love. I can’t since Jefferson lives there and y’know..” 

“I heard he was moving out, though,” Laurens grips Alexander’s hand tighter. 

Alex nods slightly, “Oh he is, but not right now.” He watches as Laurens closes his eyes and nods, “Okay I’ll check on him.” 

Alexander kisses his hand, “Thank you, love. Now go.” 

Washington watches him prance away and Hamilton chuckles, “Hey! That’s my man. You had your own until you decided to throw him away.” 

“I get it, Alexander!” 

He leans forward, hands clasped over each other, “Then get him back.” He slaps Washington one last time. 

-

“Oh ho, Alexander,” Jefferson greets him as he steps into his home, “Good thing you don’t live with Laurens.” 

Alexander blushes, “It feels so wrong yet so right doing this.” Jefferson trails a finger down his jawline, humming softly, “As long as you’re happy, baby,” Alexander lets out a little sigh, “You know that I also have a side relationship with James.” 

“Yes I do,” He chirps, “Though at times I feel jealous.” 

Jefferson smirks, “Tsk, tsk, tsk, you know that you’re the true sun in my eyes, Alexander.” 

“I guess so,” He looks down, “The affection you give him just makes me want to drag you away. I feel like you truly don’t love me.” 

Jefferson kisses the top of his head, “Alexander Hamilton, I love you as much as I love myself, which is a lot,” He chuckles to himself, “Maybe a little bit more.” Alexander blushes and smiles, “It’s difficult looking at you as my enemy. I love you so much, Thomas.”

He raises an eyebrow, “Oh do you now?” He grabs his chin and tips his head so he could look at him in the eyes, “Alexander, you know that I could never hate you, even if you stab me in the back. You are my everything, my life, my air. I have never loved someone as much as you,” He grabs his hands, “You are my universe.” 

Alexander’s eyes shine as he looks into Thomas’s soft, dark eyes. His pink lips part as he lets out a little exhale. His peachy skin glows in the candlelight, growing darker as it dims before growing lighter again. Thomas moves a stray strand of hair from his face and cups his right cheek, stroking it with his thumb affectionately. His eyes close as he leans in, his red lips taking the pink ones in a single swoop. Alexander shudders slightly as he feels Thomas run his hands up and down his back, eventually pulling him close as he pulls away, looking into the shorter man’s eyes. He sways side to side with Alexander still in his loving embrace, humming softly. 

He pulls Alexander’s head against his chest, closing his eyes at the same time as the younger, he started singing softly; 

'Wise men say only fools rush in  
But I can't help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay?  
Would it be a sin?  
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so…  
Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling in love with you  
For I can't help falling in love with you.'

He ends it by humming softly and kissing Alexander’s head, “Come on, love. Let's go to bed. You look exhausted.” Alexander yawns and rubs his eyes slightly, grabbing Thomas’s awaiting hand. Thomas slowly leads Alexander upstairs, careful not to let him fall. He wraps his arm around him, still holding his hand. Alexander yawns quietly again, letting out a small squeak. 

Thomas kisses his head again, “You’re so precious.” 

He opens the door to the bedroom quietly to not disrupt the tired brunette. “Come on now,” He whispers, making the younger kick off his boots and settle into the king sized bed. He pulls the velvet sheets over him and walks to the other side, kicking his boots off in the process. He unties his tie and settles next to Alexander, pulling him close. 

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” He says quietly as Alexander falls asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so?


	6. Explainations and makeups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laf comes out and Laurens gets his hoe back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoemilton

-

Alexander pins John against the wall, viciously kissing him. He holds his hands above his head and nips at his bottom lip, making John whimper quietly. 

'He doesn’t deserve me, I’m hurting him so much though he doesn’t know.'

He kisses him deeper, trying to push his thoughts away. Kissing him everywhere didn’t stop those thoughts, though. They taunt him, biting his mind with every kiss. They scream at him with every exhale. 

'He will find out, soon. You’re hurting him with every exhale, every word. You’re hurting him and he doesn’t know it. He’s blind to your lies. He loves you dearly, he adores you. But you decide to ignore that and go to Jefferson. Sure, Jefferson does love you but it’s lust. John’s eyes always shine when he looks at you. You ignore it, Alexander. You ignore your true sense of love for John since Jefferson is always on your mind.'

'You are a horrible human.' 

He breaks away and stares at John, now noticing his beauty. How his freckles shaped his nose and how beautiful his eyes are when they see him. His plump, soft pink lips slightly opened to get air. He caresses his soft hair and kisses the top of his head. He sighs and gulps before talking.

“John, I’m so sorry, but, but I’ve been seeing Thomas behind your back.” 

Once the younger snaps his head up with wide eyes, Alex instantly regrets hurting him. 

“You’ve what?” His eyes are full with disbelief, pain, and betrayal. Alex winces, “I’m so sorry, John. I’m out of my goddamn mind. I regret it. It wasn’t just kissing and cuddles..”

“I can’t believe you!” He screams, eyes suddenly dark with rage, “I know you would do this! Angelica warned me. She told me to be careful with you, but I didn’t listen.” Alex grabs his shoulder but he shrugs it off, “Look, Alexander, I believe that you weren’t in your right mind but, I need time to think. Please, don’t try to get intimate with me. I’m not breaking up with you, but please, stay away from me for a while.” 

Alex nods, “Just know that I love you,”

John pinches the bridge of his nose, “I know you do, just, leave me alone.”  

-

Lafayette ruffles his wavy hair and examines himself in the mirror, raising an eyebrow at his suddenly slimmer face. He pokes the bags under his eyes and runs a hand through his silky, white hair. Even though he was extremely young, he had painted his hair white to achieve a sophisticated look. He looks at the shaved sides of his head and smiles to himself. 

He grabs his coat, black mind you, and throws it on. He looks at himself again and notices that he’s wearing too much black {a/n: lmao emo Laf amirite} but he doesn’t care. He sighs, “Oh well,” 

Walking outside, he spots Laurens staring into the sky, why was he in front of his house? 

“Ahem,” He awkwardly clears his throat as Laurens keeps on staring at the sky, blinking once or twice, he turns around and smiles lightly at him, “Oh hello, Laf. You look so different.” 

“I decided a change would be appropriate, since I have had my long hair for such a long time it was starting to bother me. How are you?” 

“Fine and dandy since Alex told me that he has been seeing Thomas behind my back.” 

Lafayette chokes on his spit, “What?” He walks down the steps and looks at Laurens, “I knew he would do something like that..” 

Laurens nods, “I don’t hate him though, I just don’t want to see him. I need time to decide whether I should break it off or stay with him,” He sighs, “He did seem very guilty and even looked on the verge of breaking.” 

Lafayette nods slightly, “You have to think about everything that he has done for you and the look in his eyes whenever he caught sight of you. Just think about that and his confession and you’ll have your answer.” He shifts nervously, “Can I tell you something?” He bites his lip nervously. 

“Yes?” 

“I..uh..I’m nonbinary. I don’t identify with male or female. I basically identify with a neutral gender. I don’t mind if you say he, him, she, her, even they and them. I don’t mind.” They kick a rock and look at Laurens, who hugs them. 

“I won’t judge you, Gilbert. You’re my best friend so don’t worry, you have my support.” 

Lafayette cries happy tears as Laurens rubs their back.   
-

Lafayette walks briskly along their companion, singing whatever song he was singing along with him. 

“How can you be so cheery right now?” They ask, watching as their friend stops, confused. “Huh?” 

“Like, you’ve found out about Alex, how can you be so happy right now?”

“I don’t know, feelings are weird, mate.” 

Lafayette rolls their eyes and smiles, shaking their head, “You’re right. They’re strange and delusional.” 

“John!” 

Lafayette and Laurens turn and see Alex, running towards them, panting. “John! I found out that he was using me.” He glances at Lafayette, “Is this..?” 

Laurens nods, “Yes, it’s Laf. They were just accompanying me on my walk. They’re an amazing friend, you know that?” Alex looks back and forth between Lafayette and Laurens, “Oh.” 

Laurens smirks, “I’ve thought about it enough and..I forgive you, Alex. I knew there was something in your voice that told me that you didn’t mean to cheat on me.” Lafayette awkwardly rocks back and forth on their feet, letting the wind catch their hair. 

“Would you like to join Laf and I? We are just about to go get some coffee since they wanted a cup ever since we left their place. And we know Laf, they’re a real big coffee fiend.” 

“Hey!” 

“They’re offended, oops.” 

“‘They’re’?”

Lafayette’s face lights up, “I’m nonbinary, Alex.” 

“Ah..” Alex smiles at his friend, “That’s great, do you mind what pronouns people use or?”

“I don’t really care. Anyone can say ‘she’ and ‘her’ and I wouldn’t give a single shit.” 

“I’ll be careful to not misgender you, Laf.”   
“It doesn’t matter if you do, Alex. I don’t mind.” 

“Okay, I’m just making sure.” 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> laffytaffy


	7. Be there for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john flirts with everyone

Washington looks at Burr with tired eyes, “Are these the last documents I have to sign?” Burr nods slightly, handing him a large stack of papers, “Yes, Mr. President.” Washington grabs his pen again and begins scribbling his signature over and over again, “Any word on Alexander?” 

“He told me that he was gonna go and find John.” 

“Ah.” 

Burr grabs the finished papers and walks out the office, bidding him goodbye. He sits back in his chair and sits back up when Eliza runs into the room, “I’ve just spotted Alex, John, and Gilbert.” 

“Good to know, Ms Schuyler.” Eliza shakes her head, “You don’t get it, sir. They were all going to my sister’s coffee shop and Gilbert looks extremely different. Depressed, if you would describe it in one word.” 

“What importance does it have to me?” 

Eliza sighs inwardly in frustration and glares at her boss, “I feel like you should try to talk to him, clear things up. He doesn’t have the normal bright happiness in his eyes.”  

“He doesn’t want to talk to me, so I’ll return the favour. Now please, leave. I have tons of work to do.” 

Eliza rolls her eyes and stomps out of the office, going over to the window and staring out into the sky. 

-

Lafayette grabs the nearest knife and holds up next to a bunch of hair, giggling. They slice through the white locks and proceed to do the same thing to the rest of their hair. By the end, there was a giant pile of hair on the floor and Lafayette begins to laugh softly, walking over to their closet. They get a strange feeling to press the blade against their skin but ignore it. 

They grab their ribbons and throw them everywhere, “I’m not a girl!” They scream whilst smiling. They grab their ties and slice them apart viciously, “I’m not a boy!” They laugh out loud. Taking out their colourful clothes and cutting them as well, they can feel tears rush to their eyes. 

They collapse onto the floor and start to sob whilst laughing maniacally, “I’m nothing!” Their eyes fall onto the blade and they reach out and grab it..

-

Lafayette keeps on looking at the window, but begins to laugh. 

Alexander turns his head and looks at them, “Is something funny?” Lafayette doesn’t answer and keeps on laughing, pulling strands of their head. The urge comes back and they start to shake, still laughing. 

They bring their hand to their wrist and start to scratch, opening fresh wounds. They stop laughing and scratch harder, bringing their hand up to check the damage. 

John notices the blood and grabs a cloth, diving across the table to snatch their wrist away from their hand and wrap it around the bleeding limb. 

“I - I’m sorry,” The Frenchman stutters, “I’m not okay, I - Je ne sais pas..” 

Alex hugs them from the side, whispering softly in French, Laurens caresses their cheek, “Don’t be sorry, love, it’s not your fault.” 

“You’re too pretty to harm your beautiful self like that, you’re just too, stunning to bleed in any way.” 

Lafayette looks up at their friend, shocked at the words from his mouth, “You can’t say that in front of..Alex, John.” 

“I don’t care.” 

“John!” 

Laurens whimpers and scatters off the table, “Sorry, sorry.” 

-

It’s mid January and Lafayette is in a rush. He runs around the block to reach his house and when he could see it in plain sight, he runs faster. 

Then a flash of blue and he’s on the ground. He curses in french and stands up, fixing his hair and clothes. 

“Marie..is that you?” 

He looks up and jumps when he sees George Washington standing in front of him, looking at him in shock. His expression hardens and he glares at the man, “I guess, it’s not like you care anyways.” 

“I’ve always cared.” 

Lafayette scoffs, “If you did then why did you leave me?” 

“I-” 

“I don’t want to hear it, George. Please, just don’t. I can’t trust anyone with my heart and let them break it like you did. You broke my heart as if it was nothing and an empty one has replaced it.” 

“Marie, listen-” 

“No, you listen!” He raises his hand, “I’m sick of betrayal and love. I don’t believe in love!” During his rant, his sleeve rolls down a bit, showing the tiny scars. Some were bright red. Washington grabs his wrist and looks at the lines closely, “Marie, have you been doing this to yourself?” 

 

“N-no.” 

“Don’t lie to me,” He grabs his hand, eyes pleading, “Please.” 

“Why do you care?” He suddenly snaps, yanking his hand away, “You didn’t even bear an eye at me when I began to be depressed.”

“I only avoided you for your own good! I broke up with you because I felt like I wasn’t the one for you!” 

“If you aren’t the one for me, then why do I mutilate myself? Why do I cry every night thinking about you? Why do I have anger episodes whenever I think of you?” He moves his hair out of his eyes, wiping them, “Because I fucking need you, George. You ARE the one.” 

“I’m a fragile person, I need my rock. You are my rock. The person needs their rock. They need you, he needs you, she needs you, I need you,” He looks into the President’s eyes, “Please.” 

The wind blows softly, moving a bit of Lafayette’s hair. His blush deepens and his pupils dilate, eyes wide. His icy skin glows in the snow and pink, soft lips tremble a bit. His eyelashes flutter a bit as he blinks. His green eyes glow brightly as his lips part, showing two of his perfect teeth. 

“Please be there for me, George.” 

“Always.” 

Lafayette grabs him by the neck and smashes their lips together, leaves blowing past them.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saucy


	8. Washington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit goes down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda shifting for lams to be the main pairing and the laf n wash drama in the middle

-

 

“Please never leave me, again.” 

“I promise not to, love.” George laces their fingers together, looking at him straight in the eyes, “I’ll promise to never make the same mistake again.” 

“I know that isn’t a promise you can keep fully, I won’t mind if you find someone better than me.” 

He kisses the top of his head, “How could you say that? You’re the only one for me.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Positive.” 

-

Laurens giggles loudly as Hamilton tickles him mercilessly, “Alex! Alex stop!” Alexander ceases and sits on his heels, “Alright, just because you’re so adorable.” 

Laurens blushes tackles Hamilton into a hug, “Fuck you Alex.” 

Hamilton grabs a pillow and hits him with it, “I’m the top, love.” Laurens rolls his eyes and puts his hands on his back. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Nothing,” Laurens replies, smirking. Alexander suddenly screams as Laurens pushes him off of the sofa, landing on his back with a thud. Alexander groans and throws his hands in the air, “John!” He whines, letting his hands fall back. Laurens tucks some of his hair behind his ear and hops off of the sofa, walking over to Alexander. 

“Fun fall?” He asks smugly. Alexander rolls his eyes and pouts, “Meanie.” 

“And I thought I was the sub.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Laurens!” 

Laurens grabs Alexander’s hands and smiles as he lifts him up quickly and swiftly, kissing his cheek. 

“Do you want some tea?” 

“Actually, I want some coffee, please.” 

“Aight, love.” Laurens struts to the kitchen and puts the kettle on the stove, “I’m worried for Laf.” 

“Why?”

“He’s back with Washington and I don’t think he’s going to stay loyal. There’s something fishy.” 

“Well, shit.” 

Laurens grabs two mugs, placing them onto the counter, “We’re going to have to watch out for him, and be prepared for anything.” Alexander nods slightly, “He’s too precious to get hurt over and over, again.” He walks over to the window and groans as he sees a familiar red dress. 

He stumbles to the door and swings it open, “Go away, Maria!” She looks at him with sad eyes, “Sir please, let me in!” Alexander rolls his eyes and steps onto the porch, “I’m gay, hoe.” 

“Doesn’t matter.” 

“I don’t like vag, mate. It’s gross. Fuck off and stick your hairy shit into another man’s face.” He slams the door shut and locks it, “Fucking hell.” 

Laurens giggles, “‘Hairy shit’.” Alexander grabs his hands and kisses them, “There’s rumours about her..stash.”  Laurens places his hands on either side of his face, “You’re so funny.” He places a soft kiss on his lips, “Now come on, coffee’s ready.” 

-

Jefferson places a hand on Laf’s shoulder, “Look, bro, there’s something I have to tell you.” Laf looks at his brother with confused eyes, “Yes?” 

Jefferson sighs, “Um, he ran off with John Adams.” He then covers his ears, expecting an outburst, he was surprised when Laf didn’t scream. Instead, he sighs deeply, “I knew it. I knew he wouldn’t stay loyal. He’s so complicated and confusing, like a puzzle. I have to decode him but there’s a missing piece. One that has been missing ever since I first met him. I just don’t know what.” 

“Just one night with that man and he suddenly scrams with Adams, leaving me without notice. Why must he be so confusing? I literally did nothing whatsoever to him and he LEAVES!” 

“Fuck him,” Thomas says, “You don’t need him. At least you’re loyal and you don’t use him.” 

“Unlike you.”   
“Excuse me?” 

“Don’t play dumb with me, Thomas Jefferson! I know you used Alexander Hamilton for money and a good fuck. You used him for brains and for some goddamn essays that settled your seat as Secretary of State. Don’t you dare think I’m a fool!” 

Thomas stares at the back of his brother’s head, “How did you find out about this?” Laf scoffs, “The exact, innocent person you used told me.” 

He glares at his brother, “I will kill him for telling you!” 

“You aren’t going to hurt my best friend.” 

“Stop me, then.” Laf’s head turns to face him slowly, “You want me to stop you?”

“If your precious Alexander matters so much to you.” 

Blackness fills his vision as he falls to the floor. 

-

“Washington!” 

George turns around and sees a clearly pissed off Gilbert walking his way. He curses under his breath and grabs John by the waist pulling him close. 

Gilbert stops in front of the pair, hair covering one eye, “Just when I thought you couldn’t become even more of a dick, you blew me away by becoming a lowlife, manwhore bastard douchebag getting all the cock you want whilst breaking others.” He daintily grabs a blossom falling from a tree and crushes it with his hand, throwing it onto the ground and smashing it with his foot.

He spits onto it and looks back up, smirking at the looks of surprise on their faces. He sneaks his hand into his pocket and pulls out a stack of neatly folded papers, “You can keep these, bitch.” Throwing them onto Washington, he winks before stalking off. 

-

He twirls with such precision it looks like it’s fake. He’s the only one on the ice and he’s thankful for it. He jumps and does a mid-air split, hair flying along with him. He lands perfectly, looping around in circles. He shifts to a Camel spin, then to hydro blading, keeping his moves perfectly timed. 

He jumps and spins, landing in a split, keeping his blades on the ice. He twirls up and ends with a free leg, placing his arms on his chest, breathing heavily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Washington is a whore   
> oh and laf isn't the skater soz


	9. Laurens!!! On ICE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lololol yuri!!! on ice copy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I c e   
> merry Christmas  
> happy Hanukkah  
> happy Kwanzaa  
> etc. etc.!!

-

John Laurens has a secret. 

He can’t tell anyone since it’s extremely embarrassing to tell of his hidden talent. 

He shakes his head and grabs a handful of snow, placing it on his head. He looks down and glances at Mulligan, who was skating in circles around the frozen lake. 

“John! Come on darling! I’ll grab your hand incase you fall!” John looks up and sees his boyfriend, smiling widely, “Fine.” He sighs and gets up, stumbling a bit as he carefully walks over to Alex. 

He latches onto his arm and follows him out onto the ice. The second he steps onto it, he feels a longing urge to break free of Alexander’s grip and take on the ice himself. Instead, he stumbles and falls onto Alex, who catches him.

“Oof!” His mass of curly hair blocks Alex’s vision, sending him to the ground. Laurens stops and looks at him, hands covering his mouth with wide eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Alex!” He falls to his knees and grabs the side of his head, seeing a cut on his left cheek. “Shit, shit, shit.” Alex looks at him with loving eyes, “It’s not your fault love, besides, it’s just a small cut. Nothing I can’t fix.” 

“But-” 

Mulligan rushes over to them, “Nice job, Laurens. Can you get anymore clumsier?” 

Laurens shakes his head and crawls over the slippery ice back onto the snow, he falls onto his back and sighs. He places his arm over his eyes to avoid eye contact with Alex or Herc. 

‘Why can’t I just drop the act?’ He asks himself as he makes a fist in the snow, placing it on the bare parts of his face, cooling him down.   
-

Laurens stuffs his shit into the closet, closing it just as Alexander walks into the room, smiling. 

“It’s that time of year again to skate!” He says cheerfully to his boyfriend, who groans inwardly. “Come on! It’ll be fun! I’ll be there to catch you if you fall.” 

 

“Fine, Alexander. I’ll go.” 

“Yes! I’ll go and get ready.” Once he was out of the room, John opens his closet and grabs his skates, examining the shiny blades. 

“Maybe I can hide it.” 

-

“Well if it isn’t Mr. I’m-clumsy-on-the-ice-but-I-still-wear-fancy-shit.” Laurens blushes and smirks to himself. Alexander grabs his shoulder, “Don’t down talk him, Mulligan!” Laurens stumbles slightly and his eyes light up as Hercules laughs, “He can’t even stand with your support.” 

“Hey Alex? Maybe I can skate by myself? Without your help?” 

At this, Hercules busts out laughing, “You cannot be serious, John! You’re the most terrible skater out there! Hell, even King George can feel the cringe from you! You’re better off sticking to the sidelines.” 

‘Well fucking watch me.’ 

Laurens breaks out of Alex’s grasp and delicately walks to the rink, flipping Herc off before stepping in, shutting off the outside world and focusing on himself. He goes forward, gaining momentum before jumping, doing a backflip. He lands perfectly, going to a toe loop. He then spins on his left leg four times before going into a Camel spin. 

He goes into a triple toe loop, closing his eyes and ignoring his gut, which was telling him that Alexander was watching. He stops briefly before gaining his momentum again, he jumps and lands a quad jump. He hugs his right leg and spins downward, doing a split before he jumps up again. Skating at ridiculous speeds, he leaps and does a triple axel spin, a backflip, and mid-air split perfectly. 

He lands without and complications as he twirls one more time, stopping with one leg crossed over the other and arms in the air, eyes closed. He absentmindedly twirls to Alexander, who’s waiting for him at the edge of the rink. He bows whilst doing a split, breathing heavily. 

“Laurens..” 

Laurens swallows the lump in his throat, “I’m sorry, love. I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you apologising? That was beautiful.” 

“Men can’t figure skate. It’s not normal.” He keeps his head down, tears threatening to fall down. Some hair falls over his face and he exhales deeply. He sits on his heels and covers his face, “I’ll stop the skating, I promise.” 

“John-” 

He shakes and falls into a child’s pose, sobs racking throughout his entire body, “I will change!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soz you'll have to google the moves since I'm too lazy rip ://


	10. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (laf, alex, and john threesome but no deets because I'm terrible at smut. also, this only happens because laf is a mess and he's making bad choices but consents) 
> 
> (little!john ayyyyyyyyyyyyy) 
> 
> {TW}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry

-

John slowly opens his eyes to find himself tangled in his covers, Alexander sitting at the end of the bed. He yawns and sits up, rubbing his eyes, “Ally? Wha-What happened?” His voice is soft, vulnerable, and afraid. 

Alexander places a hand on his thigh, “Why did you hide this from me?”  Laurens looks into his eyes, “Hide what?” He asks innocently. 

“The skating.” 

John stares at him, “Uh, it’s because men aren’t supposed to figure skate and I was afraid.” Alexander sighs and tightens his grip on his thigh, “But you know I wouldn’t judge you!” 

“I don’t blame him, Alexander.” Laf says sternly as he walks into the room with a tray. John peers at the tray and sees a single mug, steaming with the scent of tea. Laf offers him the mug and he takes it, mumbling a small ‘Thank you’. Laf chuckles and kisses his forehead, “You’re welcome, mon tout petit.” 

He sits down next to him and grabs his hand, rubbing it in a comforting manner, “He was petrified at the thought of figure skating in front of others,” He says directly at Alexander, even though he was playing with Laurens’ hair. “He has anxiety from it since he doesn’t want to be shamed or disowned by his father.” 

Alexander nods, slowly leaning towards John’s face, “Don’t worry, mon chaton, we will help you.” He captures his lips into a soft kiss, making Laf squeal, “Cute! I ship I ship, what should the name be?” His bottom lip sticks out as he thinks, “Hmm, lams! Lams sounds perfect.” 

“Jesus Christ.” 

Laf chuckles, “Keep on skating, John. Don’t let stereotypes stop you.” John looks up at him and smiles, “Okay, Laf.” Alexander rubs his leg soothingly, “You looked so beautiful on there. You looked so happy to finally breakthrough and I don’t want to stand in the way of it.” 

John blushes and leans against Laf’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Alexander fluffs his hair and smiles, “What a beautiful creature you have, Alexander,” Laf says softly, looking at the man, “Too pure and a little innocent, considering we have ruined it.” Alexander snorts and hums in agreement, “My sunshine.” 

“Oh stop it, will you? I’m a fucking tomato now.”  Laf and Alexander laugh, “Manners, kitten.” Alexander says between laughter. John rolls his eyes and snuggles closer to Laf, loving his laugh. 

“Oop, Alexander it looks like your beauty loves me more.” 

“John!” John smirks before pulling Laf’s face towards him and kissing him right on the lips in front of Alexander, just to piss him off. He moans a little into the kiss and keeps their faces glued together even though he could feel Alex walking towards them. He climbs on top of Laf and grinds into him, getting some friction between their crotches. Laf lets out a little, “Oh!” in surprise at the pleasure he could feel. Alexander pulls him off and clicks his tongue, “What a naughty kitten,” He shoves him back onto Lafayette and grabs his hair, “Do you know what happens to naughty kittens?” 

“Punish me, papa.” (tf am i doing) 

‘Jesus shit.’ Lafayette whispers to himself as John looks at him with hazy eyes, Alexander lets go of his hair and looks at Laf, “He’s going into little space, just give him a moment.” He rubs his back and glances back at him, “Sweetheart?” 

A small ‘papa’ comes from the freckled man. Hamilton plays with his hair for a bit before asking, “Do you want to play, little one?” 

He nods, “I wanna play with you and Laf, please.” Alex looks at Laf and the Frenchman nods, “Well then that can be arranged.” 

-

Laf couldn’t believe he got himself into a Laurens-Hamilton sandwich. Sure, it was amazing and Laurens was unbelievably loud and adorable, but he missed George. He missed his smile and bright eyes full of love whenever he looked at him. He sniffles and turns away from John’s fluffy hair and wipes his eyes as crystal tears slip down his face onto the floor. 

“George..” 

Alexander hears him and he feels his heart break for his friend as his quiet sobs echo throughout the room. 

-

“Washington!” Alexander storms into the man’s office, ready to kill. 

“Ah, son.” 

Alexander stops in his tracks and glares, “I am not your son!” Washington chuckles and mentions for Alexander to sit, which he does. 

“What brings you here?” 

“Washington, you need to fucking wake up and realise that you cannot keep on breaking Gilbert into pieces just when he’s recovered and picked them up. You’re an absolute dick and if you don’t sort your sorry ass soon then I will resign.” 

“Not my problem.” 

Alex slams his head on his desk and stands up, “Of course not because you’re the source of all this shit. Lafayette loves you dearly and you can’t fucking see that? You throw him away as if he’s useless and a piece of shit on the side of the road and whenever you do get to him, you just smash him and then leave. He’s fucking lost without you and he’s prone to doing stupid shit like - like..” Alexander chokes on his words and closes his eyes, “He’s closer to losing it and committing..suicide..because of you! I don’t want to lose him to your tactics. He means so much to me as a friend and if you fucking don’t resolve this, I promise you I will ruin your career.” 

“He would never commit!” 

Alexander laughs out loud, “He has managed to ruin his relationship with his brother and hide his self-harm from us. He always loses his train of thought whenever there’s something that he can harm himself with. He’s a mess, George, fucking pay attention.” 

(shit sorry) 

Laf sighs to himself as he stares at the knife. 

‘You can end it all here, Gilbert. No more pain.’ 

“I can’t.” 

‘Yes you can, Washington wants you dead. Why do you think he hasn’t stayed with you for longer than 2 months?’ 

“No!”

The voice hisses in his head, ‘Just press it to your wrist and boom, you’re dead. Gone from the pain.’ 

“No.” 

‘Do it!’ Laf grabs it and presses it briefly. ‘Do it!’ 

‘No more pain! No more heartbreak!’ 

“No more heartbreak?” 

‘No more.’ 

Laf nods and presses it, slicing his wrist. He hisses at the pain but then becomes transfixed at the red blood bubbling out. He lies down and laughs lightly, closing his eyes. 

“Let me die.” 

“Laf?!” 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry


	11. Back again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ay your local hoe here again with another cringy chapter !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cringe

“Alexander he fucking attempted! He was bleeding profusely when I found him and I just can’t.” Thomas cries, “I’m a terrible brother.” Alex shushes him and runs a hand through his curls, comforting him, “You found him in time, Thomas. You did great by rushing him here.” 

“Lafayette?” John, Alexander, and Thomas stand up immediately, “Come this way.” 

The doctor leads them to a secluded room at the end of the hall, he opens the door and leads the men in, “You can all stay here, just don’t excite him.” Once the door shuts, Thomas kisses his brother’s forehead, “I’m so sorry, Laffy. I fucking love you. You’re the best brother ever.” John hugs Thomas from behind and strokes Laf’s white hair, “It hurts me to see you both like this, one barely alive and the other broken.” Thomas turns around and cries onto John’s shoulder, “Shh, Thomas, shh.” 

Alexander stares blankly at the wall, he was right. He knew Laf would do this but he didn’t stop it. No doubt news would travel around town quickly, and reach Washington. He absentmindedly wipes away the tears and curls up onto the chair, why did this have to happen to Laf? His eyes catch the bandage on the man’s wrist, it was dark red from all the blood that had escaped and he couldn’t help but sob, shaking his head in denial. 

Thomas looks at his brother’s pale face. He looked peacefully asleep but his skin was lacking its usual pink blush. His chest softly rose up and settled down as he breathed normally. He knew that he had lost a generous amount of blood but it wasn’t going to kill him. He would hopefully be okay and recover nicely. 

Although it would come with a side effect. 

-

He opens his eyes slowly, taking in his surroundings before letting out a shaky breath. 

He didn’t die. 

He was grateful that he didn’t but at the same time, he was traumatised. He never did want to die. It felt like he was being dragged away underwater, nowhere to escape. He couldn’t bring himself to speak as Thomas cries out and hugs him, although he does return the hug. When he saw John and Alex he wanted to tell them that he was okay, that he wouldn’t do it again. 

But he couldn’t.  

He didn’t trust his voice. 

But he had to. 

“A-Alex, Thomas-s, J-John,” He croaks softly, “I’m s-sorr-ry.” He swallows the lump in his throat, “I-I neve-r-r want-ted t-to d-die b-b..but a v-v-oice t-told me too-o.” 

“It’s not your fault, Laf.” 

“But-” 

“Gilbert, don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t control yourself.” 

“I j-just can’t-t take t-the p-pain.” 

Alex shakes his head, “Laf, please don’t ever, ever do that again. We love you.” 

“But G-George doesn’t-t.” 

John stifles a sob, “Laf, what’s important right now is that,” He holds it again, “is that you recover.” 

“I w-will, John. I will.” 

-

Most of the town has heard about Laf and they have been such sweethearts to him he sometimes forgets that Washington might’ve heard. 

He has. 

He has and he can’t believe he has caused someone to attempt suicide. He sits in his office, alone and silent as he stares out the window onto the streets where he can clearly see Marie, Thomas, James, Alexander, and John chatting away. He can see how thin and gloomy Marie has become. He was in his usual black attire but he looked much more cleaned up even though George can see right through that. 

Occasionally, he looks into space and begins to talk to himself, which normally takes all the other men at the table to coax him out of it. The others look at him worriedly before John lays Marie’s head on his lap to play with his hair, reminding him that he’s loved and safe. 

Washington caused this. He has caused this poor human to feel the most heartbreak and pain anyone can feel and this is the end result, a person with mental instability and trust issues. 

“I’m so sorry, Marie.” 

“You’d better be damn sorry.” A voice breaks his train of thought. He spins around and there in the doorway, glaring at him, was Angelica Schuyler. 

“Angelica..” 

“Mr President..congratulations.” She says, leaving Washington with a puzzled expression on his face. 

“You have invented a new kind of stupid. A damage you can never undo, kind of stupid. An ‘open all the cages in the zoo’, kind of stupid. Truly you didn't think this through? Kind of stupid. Let’s review, you took a man, hopelessly in love with you, maybe even willing to do anything for you. He knew you knew his love for you. Then one, two you’ve thrown him out with your truth. We begged you to resolve this, you refused to. So scared of what your enemies will do to you, you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose to. You know why we still haven’t overthrown you? Because Gilbert keeps telling us not to.”

“So yeah, congratulations!” 

“Angelica.” 

“You’ve refined your legacy, congratulations.” 

“It was an act of kindness!” 

“Kindness?” She walks into the room, placing her hands on his desk, “I suffered as your assistant I only stayed to survive. I look at you and think: ‘God, what have we done with our lives and how did he get you?’. That doesn’t wipe the tears of the leers away. But I’m back in the city and I’m here to stay. And you know what I’m here to do?” 

“Miss Schuyler..” 

“I’m not here for you.” She takes a deep breath, “I know my best friend like I know my own mind, you will never find anyone as trusting or as kind. And a million years ago he said to me, ‘This one’s mine.’. So I stood by, do you know why? I love my best friend more than anything in this life I will choose his happiness over safety every time. Gilbert, is the best thing in our lives. So never lose sight of the fact that you have been blessed with the best man! Congratulations, for the rest of your life. Every sacrifice you make is for my best friend give him the best life! Congratulations.” 

She slaps him and turns around, angrily walking out of the room and slamming the door. 

-

“Gilbert!” He turns around and he smiles wide when he sees Angelica. He runs to her and tackles her in a hug, “Fuck Angelica, fuck fuck fuck fuck.” He laughs with tears in his eyes. He gets off of her and looks at her. 

“My my, you still look beautiful as always and I love your hair.” She says, kissing him on the cheek before grabbing his hand, “Let’s go see the others, yes?” 

“Of course.” He leads her to the living room where the rest were joking around and laughing. 

“Angelica!” They all shout at once and get up to hug her, kiss her cheek, or to shake her hand. She gasps as she sees John, “Oh you look adorable! What a lucky man you are, Alex.” John blushes and shows his hand to her, “He got me a promise ring and the jewel in the middle is a turtle!” He exclaims as Angelica swoons over the ring. Laf chuckles, “It’s a beautiful joyau.” 

Angelica squeals and hugs John tightly, “Agh, John! When you two get married hire me to plan that shit and choose John’s outfit.” She says to Alex, who nods, “I promise we will get married, Angelica.” 

“My baby is growing up,” Angelica says as she tears up, “Fuck.” Everyone laughs and Thomas cuddles closer to James, which Angelica sees out of the corner of her eye, “Oh my god! There’s two motherfucking adorable couples here shit how will I handle this?” 

“Well I mean Thomas is my beautiful baby boy.” 

“James!” 

“And John is my gorgeous little one.” 

“Alex!” 

Both men laugh at their boyfriends and Angelica turns to Laf, “Laf, you mean so much to me. We all love you here and we need you. Please, whatever happens, promise me you won’t ever, ever attempt that you did, ever again.” She grabs his hands, looking at him in the eye, “You’re my best friend, and if you leave me, I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I couldn’t stop my friend from killing himself.” 

Laf looks at both their hands and nods. He hugs Angelica tightly and places his face onto her shoulder, “I promise Angelica, I’ll try for you.” 

-

“Dear Mr Washington how to say to you,   
Sometime last night I breathed out your name.   
And like a flame that flickers out too soon, I cried.   
I broke. 

I dedicated every day to you,   
You changed my life, you made my life worthwhile.   
And when you smile,   
I know a part of your love lives on.   
I know we can go on. 

You have come with realisation of my love,   
I bleed and cry for you.   
Sometimes it seems that’s all I do.   
And you and I will build a strong relationship,   
And I’ll be here for you.   
The way is clear for me to blow your life away. 

Someday, someday, yeah I’ll blow your life away. 

Someday, someday.” Laf breathes slowly before collapsing to his knees, his hand gripping onto the table and the other onto a letter. 

“I saved every letter you wrote me,   
From the moment I read them I knew you were mine,   
You said you were mine.   
I thought you were mine. 

Do you know what Angelica said,  
When we saw your first letter arrive?  
She said,  
‘Be careful with that one, love  
He will do what it takes to survive.’

You and your words flooded my senses,  
Your sentences left me defenseless.  
You built me palaces out of paragraphs,  
You built cathedrals..  
I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me,  
I’m searching and scanning for answers,  
In every line,  
For some kind of sign,  
And when you were mine.  
The world seemed to

Burn,  
Burn.

Boy you had me helpless,   
You told the whole world how you loved me,  
How I was perfect to you,   
And wanted me in your life.   
Do you know what Angelica said,   
When she heard what I’ve done?   
She said,   
‘You loved an icarus, he has flown too close to the sun.’ 

You and your words, obsessed with your legacy...  
Your sentences border on senseless,  
And you are paranoid in every paragraph,  
How they perceive you

You, you, you…” 

Thomas watches silently from behind the stairs as his brother screams to the fire, voice full of pure pain and remorse. He doesn’t notice or feel the single tear falling down his face as he hears.

“I’m erasing myself from this narrative,   
Let future historians wonder how you reacted,   
When you broke my heart.   
You have torn it all apart,   
I am watching it,   
Burn.   
Watching it burn.   
The world has no right to my heart.   
The world has no place in my head.   
They don’t get to know what you said.   
I am burning the memories,   
Burning the letters that might have redeemed you.   
You forfeit all rights to my heart!  
You forfeit the place in my head!  
You’ll keep to yourself instead!   
With only the memories of when you were mine! 

I hope that you burn.” 

He throws the letters into the fireplace, watching with tears in his eyes as every single drop of ink Washington has spread onto the papers, burns up. Thomas quietly sobs as his brother grabs the final letter, the first one Washington has ever written to him. His eyes squeeze shut and he tosses it in, “I love you, forever and always.” 

-

Thomas can’t get the pain in his brother’s voice out of his head, the sorrow and regret in his voice. He thought the best way to show Washington his brother’s pain was to write down every single word from the songs that he sang. 

He wrote them word for word and nearly cried himself as he realised his brother’s suffering. Once he was done, he threw his coat on and rushed to Washington’s office, fuming. 

He reached the brick building and ran up the stairs to the 5th floor, opening the doors to the lobby. Eliza looks up from her paperwork, “Thomas?” 

“Washington.” 

She nods once and let's him through. His footsteps echo throughout the hallway and he opens the door without knocking, not surprised to see Adams sitting on his desk. 

“Get out you fat motherfuck stick.” He says bitterly to the portly man. He scampers away, closing the door behind him. 

“Thomas?” 

He throws the papers onto the desk, “Here.” He bluntly states, crossing his arms across his chest, “Read them, Washington.” 

George grabs the papers questionly and reads both slowly, scanning every line. His face went from amused to horrified in two seconds. With shaking hands, he gently put down the papers and looked at Thomas, who has looking at his nails. 

“He wrote these?” 

“He actually sang them, I copied his words onto those so your douche ass could further understand his pain.” He chuckles sadly, “You should've seen it, he was screaming to the fire and his voice was full of pain. Great pain and remorse. Tears were dripping down his face and he was on the floor, looking at your letters then throwing them at the fire. I cried! I fucking cried because I could literally feel the pain he was going through! He isn't okay, even after trying to kill himself! You fucking made all of this happen! You were blessed with the best man anyone could ask for and you messed up.” 

“Oh.”

“‘Oh’? Does my brother deserve an ‘Oh’? I LOVE MY BROTHER MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE HIS HAPPINESS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE EVERY TIME! PUT YOUR CAREER ASIDE, I'M ALWAYS BY HIS SIDE. YOU COULD NEVER BE SATISFIED, GOD I HOPE YOU’RE SATISFIED, GEORGE WASHINGTON. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING PITIFUL LIFE!” He stomps the bottom on his cane on the floor and storms out, not bothering to shut the door. 

George looks up at the ceiling, closing his eyes. He really has hurt Marie. All that Marie did was love him but he ignored his love. He jumped from person to person, always returning to Marie and telling him that he loves him and that he is perfect. 

He is porcelain and lord behold George has broken him to millions of pieces. He pictures a happy, giddy, bubbly Marie. Spewing random french here and there, laughing all the time. He then pictures Marie after George; Sad, dark, cut hair, scars, thin, barely talking french and only laughing when he is with friends. 

The George Effect. 

George is toxic to a beautiful flower with lots of red petals. He has bitten that flower and now it has wilted, only with half a petal left. George doesn't want to be toxic anymore. He wants to show his true self to Marie. 

His Marie. 

-

Thomas watches silently as he sees his brother look at a blade longingly. 

“I know I promised Angelica, but..” He leans forward to grab it but he stops himself before his hand could latch onto the goddamn thing. 

“No.” He pulls back his arm, “I promised her! You can’t tell me what to do! Fuck off! I am not grabbing the stupid-” 

He grabs it, eyes going dark as he feels it, fingers lightly running across it. 

“I’m not going to cut deep? Okay then.” He pulls his sleeve up and traces a line with the metal before going for the cut. 

Slice. 

Slice. 

Slice. 

Three cuts is what it takes for blood to start pooling at his elbow. He gasps lightly, dropping the blade and caressing the lines. He doesn’t notice Thomas walking over to pick up the knife until he says, “Let’s get you cleaned up, sweetheart.” His head snaps up and Thomas looks at him with a tear-stained face, “Thomas?” 

“Yes, darlin’. Come on.” 

“I’m sorry.” He says softly, not meeting his eyes, “The voice said to do it but I didn’t want to.” 

“That damn voice won’t take my little brother, now let’s go.” 

-

John kisses his ring, admiring the beautiful, motherfucking expensive, custom-made jewel. 

~ He had been waiting for Alexander to get out of the shop and was getting to be a bit impatient. He had loads of bags with him and sitting outside in the bitter cold with them around him wasn’t helping his mood. First, Laf tried to commit and now his boyfriend had abandoned him in the outside. 

He huffs and wraps his arms around himself, but quickly snaps his head up as he hears the shop bell ring and out came Alexander. 

“Sorry, sweetheart. I was doing something.” 

“Like what?” 

“Something like this,” He gets down on one knee and pulls out a small velvet box. John’s hands instantly went over his mouth in shock, “John Laurens, ever since I locked eyes with you at that ball a couple months ago, I instantly fell in love. You were like something I had never seen, beautiful features and an adorable personality. When I found out you were helplessly in love with me, I was overjoyed. The letters that I wrote to you showed my deep gratitude for your existence and whenever you replied, I hugged those letters of love and sweetness every night. You said that you were mine, I know that you’re mine. When I first called you baby boy you blushed so hard it was cute. I figured you’re the one for me and I love you. Because I love you so much, I asked for your father’s blessing and he said yes so I, Alexander Hamilton, am asking to be your promised.” 

John began crying silently. They were happy tears, he couldn’t believe that this was happening to him and in front of a shop. It didn’t matter because Alexander had just asked him to be his forever. He nods rapidly and Alexander grins, getting up to hug him. He gently slips the ring onto his slim finger and John gasps at the design. 

It was a silver ring with a black and green jewel on top in the shape of a turtle. He grins through his tears and kisses Alexander, “I love you so much, Alex.” 

“I love you too, my dear.” ~

-tW

The group sat in the waiting room of the clinic, again. 

Laf tried to kill himself once more by slitting his throat. Luckily, Angelica was there to find him in time and get Thomas to carry him. She couldn’t get the image out of her head. Bloody clothes, bubbling neck, frozen eyes. She was relieved when she saw that he was responsive but beginning to fade. 

She sat in the corner, hands and front of her dress covered in his blood. Thomas holds her close as she cries onto his shoulder. John and James were talking softly as Alexander stares at the wall, rethinking his life. Thomas couldn’t believe he had tried again. His brother of two years, probably the best 2 years of Thomas’ life, really wanted the pain to stop. He doesn’t hear the doctor call out his brother’s name. He doesn’t feel Angelica leave his side. 

He only feels the heartbreak. 

-

Angelica cries harder at the scene in front of her. There lies Laf, with gauze around his neck and fresh tears running down his face. 

“Laf,” she says softly, “Baby.” She reaches out to grab his hand, and strokes it. Laf looks at her, “Love is stupid.” 

Angelica laughs quietly, “It is.” Laf gives her a half smile and brings her hand to his lips, kissing it softly, “I’m sorry, Angelica. I wasn’t thinking right.” 

“It’s okay, dear.” 

“When the doctor was putting the gauze on me, something was clouding my mind.” 

“What?” 

Laf looks up, “A verse from a song that I sung in front of the fire.” 

“What is it, love?” 

Laf inhales deeply, “You have come with realisation of my love, I bleed and cry for you. Sometimes it seems that’s all I do. And you and I will build a strong relationship, and I’ll be here for you.” He cringes at his words, “‘I bleed and cry for you. Sometimes it seems that’s all I do.’ is far from a lie nowadays.” 

“Oh Gilbert.” 

“Everyone talks about me like; ‘Oh Lafayette? Isn’t he the one who tried to kill himself.’ or ‘Lafayette? They’re deathly in love with the president.’ and even ‘Lafayette, the one who does anything for love. She’s crazy.’” 

“You aren’t crazy. You do nothing for love.” 

“That’s all John Adams and Charles Lee.” 

“Wait, they said those awful things?” 

“Yes. I overheard Adams go ‘Lafayette is so full of herself. She can’t tell love from lust apart. She’s - or shall I say he - is making all of this nonbinary crap up. He’s fucking stupid.” 

“Nonbinary isn’t made up.” 

“It’s not,” He looks back at her, “Sometimes I would look at myself and say ‘I will never make a beautiful woman.’ or ‘I’m not manly enough.’ I guess that’s when I started to find myself.” 

“You’re beautiful as you are.” 

Laf smiles, “I guess I am.” 

“Alright love, I’ll be back with Thomas since he’s worried for you.” 

-

George spots a lonely Marie in front of the coffee shop. He was wearing a scarf and covering up his face. He shrugs to himself and goes to him, knocking on the table to get his attention. 

“Go away.” 

George rolls his eyes, “Now, that’s not a way to talk to your president.” Marie removes his hands from his face and looks up, freezing.

“George?” He asks timidly, hiding his arms. George sits across from him, “I want to talk, Marie.” 

He glares, “Oh really? Where do we start?” He starts to get up but is stopped by George, who grabs his hand. 

“Please.” 

Marie snatches his hand from George and sits back down, “Fine.” 

“Tell me, please, what I have made you do.” 

“Shit boy, where do I start? Oh I know,” He rips his scarf off, showing the gauze, “Slit my throat.” He pulls both sleeves up, “Burns and cuts every time I cried for you.” He points to his wrist, “I’m sure you heard what I tried there.” He pulls his sleeves down, “I also screamed into the fire every night. Fun, right?” He smiles coldly at George. 

“I have no words.” 

“Fuck, you had four right there but threw them out like me.” 

“Marie, I want to start all over with you.” 

“Alright, go back to your mother’s womb and stay there.” 

George sighs, “Marie, please, I want to show you all my love I actually have for you.”  

“I saved every letter you wrote me,   
From the moment I read them I knew you were mine,   
You said you were mine.   
I thought you were mine. 

Do you know what Angelica said,  
When we saw your first letter arrive?  
She said,  
‘Be careful with that one, love  
He will do what it takes to survive.’

You and your words flooded my senses,  
Your sentences left me defenseless.  
You built me palaces out of paragraphs,  
You built cathedrals..  
I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me,  
I’m searching and scanning for answers,  
In every line,  
For some kind of sign,  
And when you were mine.  
The world seemed to

Burn,  
Burn.

Boy you had me helpless,   
You told the whole world how you loved me,  
How I was perfect to you,   
And wanted me in your life.   
Do you know what Angelica said,   
When she heard what I’ve done?   
She said,   
‘You loved an icarus, he has flown too close to the sun.’ 

You and your words, obsessed with your legacy...  
Your sentences border on senseless,  
And you are paranoid in every paragraph,  
How they perceive you

You, you, you…” Marie looks down, “Those words express how I felt. How I felt after you did this. I want to start over too but I don’t think I can trust you. You might throw me away again.” 

“I won’t. Never again.” 

Marie sighs, taking off the gauze, “You caused this. This giant scar. How am I sure that you won’t hurt me?” 

“Please, Marie, even if it takes a long time.” 

He sighs dramatically, “Fine.” 

-

Gilbert arrives home late. He opens the door and is met with Thomas’ distressed glare. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” 

“Off on a walk.” 

Thomas looks at him, “Why did you take your gauze off?” He didn’t care if he was sounding like a mom, he needed answers. 

“I’ve had it on for long enough,” Gilbert looks at Thomas’ expression, “Don’t worry, I didn’t do crack or anything.” 

“I’m not worried about that! I’m worried about who you walked with.” 

Gilbert begins to blush, “N-no one.” 

Thomas stares at him with an expression that reads, ‘I’m not dumb.’ 

Gilbert rolls his eyes, “Fine. I walked with George. He wants to show me that he’s sincerely sorry and that he wants to show me his love for me. It’s pretty great so far.” Thomas looks at him, deadpanned, “Why are you hanging around with him?” Gilbert hugs his arm in embarrassment, “He actually seems like a great man.” His looks to the side, “Maybe he’ll be a good one.” 

Thomas slaps his forehead, “Gilbert, this is frivolous! Are you really going to believe him?” 

He shrugs, “Maybe I can fix our relationship. You never know.” 

Thomas grabs his shoulders and shakes him, “Please, listen to yourself!” 

“Oh come on you’re acting as if I’m agreeing to jump off a cliff for a dollar!” Gilbert yells back at him, “Leave me alone!” 

“Gilbert! Be quiet!” 

He stares at him right in the eyes and glares, grabbing the sides of his coat, “Make me.” He whispers, nearing his brother’s face. Thomas steps back and slaps him, sending him to the ground. He grabs his face and scoots against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest. 

“Gilbert, I-” Thomas reaches out to touch him but Gilbert slaps his hand away and hisses, “Don’t touch me.” He stands up and dodges Thomas’ hand, “I said, don’t touch me!” He makes his way to the door and opens it, looking into the darkness, “Bye, Thomas.” He says and he runs out of the house, heading for wherever his feet would take him. 

-

He arrives at a bench near the park. He sighs softly and sits down, looking down as it starts to snow. He curses quietly and wipes a tear away. 

Wait, what? 

He blinks rapidly and more tears fall. He rolls his eyes and groans, why must he cry all the time? He curls up and stares at the streetlight, enthralled by its flickering flame. The snow lands on it and soon enough, it goes out. The smoke curls in the air before disappearing along with the light. Marie runs a hand through his hair and sighs, tucking some hair behind his ear and looking at himself in a puddle. He pinches his lips to make them more red and stands up, walking softly through the snow. The moon brightened his eyes and hair, along with the snow. 

He makes it to under a tree and climbs it, finding it strangely warm up there. He realises he’s next to another lamp and shrugs. Leaning against the trunk, he stares ahead of him and checks to make sure the lamp is safely covered but still emitting heat. He enjoys the fact that the branch that he’s lying on is big and strong enough to hold him. 

He curls up and uses his arm as a pillow, covering up with his coat for extra heat in case the lamp went out before he woke up. 

-

“Hey you! Sleeping beauty! What are you doing?” 

Marie rolls his eyes and turns the other way to see Alexander looking up at him, a stick in hand. 

“Marie? What the fuck?” 

“Thomas hit me so the most logical thing I did was sleep in this nice tree.” He sat up and stretched. 

“In my yard?” 

“In case I got hungry.” He jumps off of the branch and swings his coat over his shoulder, “Speaking of hungry, I have a bruise and it’s not great to have one of those. What’s for breakfast?” Alexander chuckles and opens the door, “Come on in, John was just making breakfast.” 

“Alexander who are you- Laf? What?” 

Marie grabs his hand and kisses it, “Hello, John. What’s for breakfast that tree made me hungry.” 

“Tree?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cringe

**Author's Note:**

> going to hell 10/10  
> this sucks lmao


End file.
